I don’t do impromptu posts much anymore, but, I felt it on my little heart today to share some good news. My heart is full & here’s why:
Next weekend is the anniversary of the day Kyle asked me to be his bride. Ps. six-ish months left until I get to be his wife! Eeek! Lucky doesn’t seem like a strong enough word. Anyways, when I think back to that day, I recall an overwhelming certainty that I could never love a person more. Welp, here’s proof that God grows hearts ya’ll. I have more respect, admiration, trust, honor, and adoration for Kyle now, a year later, than the day he asked me to marry him. In fact, not just more, but multiplied. Speaking of math, can I get an amen from all my pals out there who think reading Numbers is all the “math” God really intended for us? Ok. Alright. Yes, I did come up with that myself. Calm down, I love you math brains too, I don’t know what I’d do without ya’ll!
More seriously though, ignorant bliss shielded me from the trials in store for us in the coming months after our engagement. As a child, I faced a rare and life threatening illness for several years. I don’t know how or why I was healed, but He decided I have more to do here before calling me home. Anyone will tell you, I was an incredibly carefree kid despite the circumstances (peace I owe to Jesus, of course). All that to say, never in my life have I questioned God’s plan. However, I will admit openly that there have been times this past year, when I did.
Never did I imagine being diagnosed with severe, chronic, depression as a young, vibrant, blessed, healthy, soon to be married lady. I am more than willing to discuss that further, but, there is still a lot I don’t understand about it. But, I will tell you this; one thing has remained constant. The Grace of our savior. This trial, more than loss, more than grieving, more than physical pain or weakness, taught me how deeply I depend on Christ. I have nothing and am nothing, without Him.
I decided to share this with you with an open heart because of a passage in the New Testament. In his letter to Timothy, Paul writes about thankfulness: “How thankful I am to Christ Jesus our Lord for choosing me as one of his messengers, and giving me the strength to be faithful to him. Even though I do not deserve it. God had mercy on me because I didn’t know what I was doing, because I didn’t know Christ. Oh, how kind our Lord was for he showed me how to trust him and become full of Christ Jesus. How true it is, and how I long that everyone should know it, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners and I was the greatest of them all. God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus, could use me as an example to show everyone how patient he is with even the worst of sinners, so that others will realize that they, too, can have everlasting life.”
God’s called me to grow strong in my weaknesses. He’s called me to be vulnerable and to share with you because it’s a testament of His love for you. If you, like me, have received the humble gift of fragility, do not be ashamed. It is not a punishment. I understand and appreciate weakness, and vulnerability in others more than I ever have. My heart is overflowing by the grace of our Savior. Everyday, I depend on Jesus to get me through. Trials, like this one, have been a blessing because they have developed my ability to trust Him rather than trusting myself. I must become less, He must become more.
I’m going to speak for Kyle here and say that we are grateful for this trial. My struggle has allowed God into our relationship more than ever before. Every day, every minute, we depend on Him. Our phone calls are mostly prayers, our talks are mostly about today’s Bible study. God’s been using Kyle to grow my faith in ways I am so grateful for. Which, is why I can confidently say, God uses everything for good.
Growing strong in my weakness has also allowed me to be more confident, creative, and grateful than ever before. I’ve taken risks, pursued dreams and made decisions with more gusto. If not for my weakness, if not for my vulnerability, I would not have my faith, the strength of Jesus, or the Christ-like love and leadership of my soon to be husband.
Whatever you’re facing. God’s using it for good my friend. Rejoice. He’s using you for good.
Abba, Father, how great Your love. How great Your mercy. How greatly You fill me with life everlasting. You’re all I need.
You make me lie down in green pastures. You make me want for nothing. You fill my hunger with honey from your sweet word. I will love You. You are my Shepherd. You are my Jesus. You are my Lord.